The conundrum of being ill

Fuckery!

Happy Christmas to me! Long-Covid is showing up a LOT like fibromyalgia these days. Which means I get to take Duloxetine for nerve pain, for Christmas. It'll take 4-6 weeks for me to figure out whether it's working to curb my pain, and if the pamphlet is anything to go by, has the potential to make me feel a bit sketchy between now and then. 

So I've been signed off for 8 weeks on sick leave. Which, while I know is a thing, feels less like a doable thing when you are self-employed. Although I suspect that an unwillingness to just stop for a while is part of my overall problem, I still find it tough to let go. 

I actually sat on a group coaching call this morning with my fabulous clients and encouraged one of them to embrace her sick leave, while ignoring my own sick note that kicked in um... four days ago. 

What is this? Is is a single parent thing? A driven personality thing? An 'I know better' thing? Why don't I want to just chill with being poorly?

It's definitely, in my experience, a single parent thing. 

I don't think it's that hard to understand, actually. When I dig into the desire to keep working, there is definitely an aspect of wanting to preserve that part of myself that is more than a Mum. I've pushed msyelf and at times, yes, struggled, to keep working while ALL. THE. PLATES. SPIN because it helps me feel good about myself. I like working. 

I've dropped some of those plates, some of the time, but over the years somehow I've always managed to keep on working. 

Work has at times been my sanctuary. My 'me-space'. The place my head gets to be a grown up, a problem solver, an equal. Make no mistake, I freaking LOVE my clients. They are the BEST women and mothers, their courage and their commitment to their families always inspires me. Working with them is more often than not, and absolute joy. So yeah, continuing to work ordinarily, is at the top of my list of good things in my life. 

But right now, I have to <perhaps> sit with the fact that my constant availability to my work, is contributing to making me sick.  I'm pretty sure that this much is true: If you don't make room for your wellness, you will be forced to make room for your sickness. 

So, it may seem a bit odd (to anyone who isn't a single parent) that despite knowing it's probably quite important to slow down now... I'm giving myself four days to think about how I'm going to 'do' my sick-leave. 

This is where not taking sick-leave becomes a single-parent thing, rather than a bloody minded, or identity thing. 

I've got four days of childcare left in the bank before the Christmas holiday begins. While the idea of taking my sick-note and running with it might sound like the right thing to do here's a single Mama reality check: I don't actually have that privilege, because no-one else is going to be able to pick up the jobs I put down. Being sick, requires planning. Pushing on through is the default because frankly, it's often easier. 

To make space for my sickness means getting up tomorrow, doing all the usual school run shenanigans before I can start the admin to prepare to take my own sick leave. I'll mentally post-date the GP's instructions from Dec 9 to Dec 18. By which time I *should* have managed to set up all the things I need to set up so that I can go offline, literally and metaphorically. 

Just in time for the end of term! I'll hang with my kids til the 27th... then, and only then, will I catch a 7 day breather with no kids, no work and <deep breath, small prayer> no drama. 

This is The Bear Hunt. I can't go over it, I can't get under it, this is how I get through it.